Masters Gives Talor Gooch Special Invitation

Talor Gooch has accepted a special invitation to play in next week’s Masters. 

Gooch, who won three of LIV’s 13 events last year on his way to earning $36 million, is a late addition to what will be one of the smaller Masters fields in recent memory. There are now 87 players expected to compete for the green jacket. 

The Masters traditionally reserves special invitations for standout international players like Joaquin Niemann, but Masters chairman Fred Ridley said the inclusion of Gooch—a 32-year-old from Oklahoma—was the result of a unique circumstance. 

“The Masters Tournament has a longstanding tradition of inviting leading players who are not otherwise qualified,” Ridley said. “In this case, we felt the integrity of our event was at stake. Not inviting Talor Gooch would have forced us to officially add an asterisk to our storied tournament, forever putting a stain on the accomplishment of our champion.” 

Ridley noted that, similar to Niemann, Gooch’s play beyond LIV events proved too much to ignore. 

“Gooch has a remarkable major record, collecting zero top-10 finishes in 11 career starts,” Ridley said. “That includes a historic tie for 34th in last year’s Masters. We were particularly impressed by his tie for 42nd in the Hong Kong Open and a withdrawal from the Alfred Dunhill Links Championship, which I’m assuming was out of respect for his competition.” 

The decision is being seen as an olive branch as LIV has recently given up their pursuit of being recognized by the Official World Golf Ranking. 

Gooch and other LIV competitors are watching their ranking plummet as they can only earn points outside of LIV events. He is no longer in the top 500 of the official rankings despite sitting at No. 37 in the Data Golf rankings. That means he is not qualified for this year’s majors. 

Although he could pursue major qualification several ways—such as playing in Asian Tour events or going through sectional qualifying to get into the U.S. Open and Open Championship—Gooch says his plan is to incessantly complain about the consequences of his actions. 

“I’m glad we’ve reached the point where Rory McIlroy completing the career grand slam will count,” Gooch told assembled media at LIV’s Miami event. “It’s just the reality. I think everybody wins whenever the majors figure out a way to get the best players in the world there.” 

At press time, it had not yet dawned on Gooch that taking millions of dollars from a murderous regime laundering its reputation through faceless professional golfers—while competing for a league that made no reasonable effort whatsoever to qualify for OWGR points—potentially came with drawbacks. 

Paying homage to fellow egotistical maniac and LIV patriot Patrick Reed, Gooch stood by the 18th green at Doral and launched into a diatribe about why he is a top five player in the world. 

“I just don’t see a lot of guys who have done that, besides other legends of the game,” Gooch said of his performance in LIV events, which include guaranteed spots for luminaries like Kalle Samooja, Jinichiro Kozuma and Wade Ormsby. “I believe in myself, especially with how hard I’ve worked, you know, I mean, I’m one of the top five players in the world. To get a special invitation like this, you know, I feel like I’ve proven myself.” 

“There are other LIV guys who aren’t as good as me, but they should also get exemptions. Dean Burmester, have you heard of him? He’s from Africa. It’s this whole other country.” 

Gooch later added that he plans to use Reed’s lawyer, Larry Klayman, to sue each organization that doesn’t allow him into a major. 

McIlroy, who initially took the high road in his response to Gooch’s comments, had more direct words this time. 

“What you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard,” McIlroy said. “At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in the golf world is now dumber. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.” 

Gooch, who had one fall season victory in five years on the PGA Tour, reportedly joined LIV by accident, misunderstanding that he would not be able to peacefully rejoin the Tour after getting involved with the Saudis. 

In an attempt to make it look like he knew what he was doing, Gooch has since played it off like a golfer who blades a chip across the practice green to the wrong hole and then pretends his error was intentional. 

As part of his financial windfall, Gooch is spending his money on bull riding by owning the Oklahoma Wildcatters team in the Professional Bull Riders league. The circuit features obnoxious music, strobe lights, contrived teams and the potential for ruthless injury where bones break the skin. 

It’s a perfect complement to his involvement in LIV. 

As of this writing, the same team who produced Netflix’s “Full Swing” documentary have started preliminary plans on a series detailing how Gooch will find creative ways to go broke.

Editor’s Note: This is a satirical April Fools’ Day article. Talor Gooch is not playing in the Masters.