In a surprise announcement Monday morning, the USGA announced that golf ball manufacturers’ 2025 models have all secretly been the new “rolled-back” golf ball.
The shocking revelation was made by USGA VP of Golf Ball Guidelines Isaac Mark Andrew Killjoy IV at a hastily called press conference at the Chit Chat Diner in West Orange, N.J. Killjoy told the assembled press corps that the new ball has, unbeknownst to golfers, been on store shelves since early January.
“We wanted to show golfers they were crying about nothing,” Killjoy told reporters in between bites of his Nutella and bacon pancakes, a Chit Chat Diner specialty. “You’ve been using the rolled-back ball for three months and everybody thought their lack of distance meant they needed a new driver.”
Killjoy said the stealth rollout was the work of a new USGA task force called Fairness Under New Standards, Uniform Controls, Knowledge and Regulations (FUNSUCKR).
“FUNSUCKR has really lived up to its name,” Killjoy laughed as he continued carb-loading with a plate of carrot cake waffles. “Thanks to this group’s work, we have preserved the honor, integrity and soul of the game by going behind every golfer’s back.”
Why is the USGA doing this?
The USGA announced in late 2023 that it intended to roll back the golf ball starting in 2028 for Tour pros and 2030 for recreational golfers. The rationale was that because the very best golfers in the world across seven major professional golf tours were, in the USGA’s opinion, hitting the ball way too far, golfers of all abilities would have to play a golf ball that won’t go as far, no matter how hard you hit it.
To support the rollback, the USGA cited its own distance studies of the PGA Tour. That study found that, since 2002, the average driving distance on Tour has increased by 11 yards.
“That’s 33 feet, people,” explained Killjoy, between bites of a bagel with lox and a schmear. “It’s our sworn duty to protect the game. I mean, what could be more magical than an 18-handicapper trying to feather a 5-iron to a back right pin? C’mon, man, that would be funny as hell to watch.”
FUNSUCKR worked behind the scenes, often at night and mostly in back alleys, encouraging golf ball manufacturers to “make good decisions,” as Killjoy describes it.
“We brought in some really good fellas, most of them from right here in Jersey,” says Killjoy, as the waitress brought him another Chit Chat specialty, the Godfather omelet. “They have this knack of convincing people to do the right thing.”
LIV golfer Phil Mickelson reportedly had an encounter with a few members of the task force over the winter. He’s quoted, off the record, by MyGolfSpy correspondent Alan Shipnuck as saying they were “some scary mother-FUNSUCKRS.”
What about non-conforming golf balls?
As Killjoy passed the bill for his breakfast, which included a pastrami on rye to go (“Hey, a guy’s gotta eat,” he told the collected media), to a sympathetic golf correspondent, he was asked what the USGA intended to do about golfers who still have plenty of non-conforming golf balls or what many refer to as “the good balls.”
“We’re going to make them an offer they can’t refuse,” he said. “The USGA is prepared to buy back all non-conforming golf balls out there for $10 a dozen. We suggest they take it, if you know what I mean.”
To facilitate the buy-back plan, the USGA is forming an activist task force, called Ball Breakthrough Utilization Specialists Targeting Egregious Regulation Scofflaws (BALLBUSTERS). BALLBUSTER agents will be deployed to public and private golf courses. Their job, says Killjoy, will be to “encourage” golfers to turn in their non-conforming golf balls “before an accident happens.”
More new campaigns
To aid in a new public relations and marketing campaign to get golfers to, as Killjoy says, “quit their whining,” the USGA is starting two outreach initiatives. The first involves empowering USGA sympathizers in the digital golf media through a new partnership program. It will be called Select Internet Content Creators and Organizations Preserving History and National Treasures (SICCOPHANTS). This group will issue daily reminders that the USGA loves golfers, cares about them and knows what’s best for them, whether those golfers like it or not.
The second initiative will be responsible for re-educating experienced and pre-programming junior golfers. That initiative is called Knowledge, Integrity and Common Sense Needed To Help Basic Attitudes and Lessen Long Strikers, or KICCNTHBALLS.
“We think both groups very much tell the story of what we’re trying to do to golfers,” Killjoy explained. “We feel SICCOPHANTS will help us use the media to reinforce our agenda and not confuse golfers with facts and other nonsense. The media can be very cooperative, especially when we reward them with U.S. Open credentials in exchange for their, uh, services.
“And seriously, what says ‘USGA’ better than a good KICCNTHBALLS?”
Other initiatives
To further combat the growing distance epidemic, the USGA is also unilaterally ruling that hitting the golf ball 300-plus yards straight and in the fairway, or at the very least close to it, will now be officially classified as “not a skill.”
“Golf is a game of skill,” says Killjoy. “How much skill does it take to hit the ball 300-plus yards straight and in the fairway every time? We feel it preserves the integrity of the game to force golfers to struggle with every club in the bag.”
When one reporter, believed to be MyGolfSpy correspondent Sean Fairholm, remarked that 99 percent of the golfers out there can’t hit the ball 300-plus yards straight or in the fairway even half the time, he was quickly removed from the Chit Chat. Fairholm, ironically one of those golfers who already struggles with every club in the bag, was last seen being stuffed into the trunk of a black, late-model sedan. His current whereabouts are unknown.
To further preserve the game’s integrity and legacy, the USGA is strongly considering a revised dress code. The new code would require golfers at all levels to “get back to the game’s roots” by wearing plus-fours, newsboy caps, jackets and ties.
“It worked for Bobby Jones,” Killjoy said. “Golf is a game of skill. Anyone can hit a ball wearing comfortable, moisture-wicking clothing or shorts like those LIV mamalukes. Let’s see what happens when they have to wear burlap in August.”
The buy-back program
As mentioned, the USGA is offering to buy back your non-conforming “good” golf balls. They’ll pay $10 for every Pro V1, Z-STAR, Tour B, TP5, Chrome Tour or any other Tour-level dozen you send in. Direct-to-consumer balls will be paid out at $5 per dozen. Fifteen packs of Noodles will receive a $1.37 voucher for the USGA gift shop.
You may mail your non-conforming golf balls to the USGA at the following address:
The United States Golf Association
77 Liberty Corner Road
Liberty Corner, NJ 07938
ATTN: I.M.A Killjoy
“I’m proud of the work we’re doing to preserve the integrity of the game,” says Killjoy. “I’m the fourth generation of Killjoy to serve the USGA. I feel a kinship with everyone involved with these initiatives. In a way, all of us here at the USGA are Killjoys at heart.”
Killjoy, who’s nearing retirement age, was asked what he thinks his legacy to the game of golf will be.
“When people think of what we’ve done to save our great game, I want them to think Killjoy. When they think of FUNSUCKRS, BALLBUSTERS and a good KICCNTHBALLS, I want them to think Killjoy.
“And when they think Killjoy, I want them to think of the USGA.”
David
5 months ago
Funny article– the leadership of USGA is so ridiculously stupid particularly under Mike Whan– no reason to believe the article as in jest. Most of us recreational golfers without such there would really be no need for the USGA. The roll back was really intended for the pro level, but it never occurred the R&A and USGA that the Tour would not accept the ball rollback. They seldom mention the the increase in driving distance for rec golfers was only abt 5 yards over a decade.